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Trash Talkin'
It probably happens all around Plattsburgh, and it seems as though there is nothing we can do about it. In my neighborhood it happens on Tuesdays. That's the day I drag my trash out to the end of the driveway and wait for city pick-up.
I have two big black heavy-duty barrels, one with wheels, that hold a few trash bags each. My problem is one has a lid and one doesn't. One windy day the barrel lid blew away and I'm sure somebody two blocks away found it in his backyard. Since I don't write my name on my trash barrels, the lid was never returned. It's pretty difficult to go into WalMart and tell them, "I'd like one barrel lid, please."
And other times I have extra bags of trash, maybe because I had a party or did some extra housecleaning. In that case those bags are neatly placed next to the two big black heavy-duty barrels.
But that's not the problem. The problem begins as soon as I leave the end of my driveway. As I approach my house I hear these big black birds -- what are these things? crows? ravens? scavengers? -- giving their secret messages to their friends on the neighboring streets.
Oh, I hear them! "Kaw, kaw, kaw!" That means, "Foxy just left us some treats, boys!" In less than a minute these black vultures are dancing on my trash barrels and picking at my trash bags. Within minutes paper towels and naked chicken wings and tuna fish can wrappers are being playfully tossed into the air.
One morning a few years ago, I kept running out yelling at these pesky predators. They would take a short flight to the safety of the MLD wires in front of my house and shout down at me, "Ka-ka-ka-kaw!" That means, "We'll be back down there in a second, bozo!"
That day, as I pulled out of my driveway and started driving to work, I saw in my rear view mirror that three of those monsters had just swarmed upon my trash bags. I slammed my brakes on, quietly shifted my car into reverse, and put the pedal to the metal. I envisioned running over these three vultures, ending their Tuesday treats forever.
However, at the last second, the birds flew up above and I crashed into my barrels and bags, sending them flying across the lawn. As I got out of my car to survey the damages, I heard those birds laughing at me.
Yesterday my neighbor called me to say that the birds were attacking my barrels again. He asked if I had any hot sauce. Of course, being a fan of hot wings, I keep an ample supply of Frank's Red Hot Cayenne Pepper Sauce. My neighbor said he took care of his bird problem with a crust of bread sprinkled with hot sauce.
I was ready. I marched out my front door, armed with a big bottle of hot sauce and loaf of bread. I put the crust on top of my uncovered garbage bag and doused it with hot sauce. My neighbor met me there to oversee the project. We both grinned, knowing this would do the trick. Those birds would stay away from my garbage forever.
And, you know, it might have worked. As I watched out my front window, the birds started their screeching. But before they could descend upon their hot treat, along came a grey squirrel. He scampered up the trash barrels and did a little dance step resembling the macarena. He spotted the crust of bread and tried packing the entire slice into his mouth. Ignoring the hot sauce, he folded the piece of bread in half, jammed it into his mouth, and took off across the street, ruining my plan to fireball the birds.
I just give up. With birds and squirrels outnumbering residents on Saratoga Court, it's plain to see that this is a lost cause. These critters know that there's a party at Foxy's house every Tuesday morning around seven. They've told their friends over on Belmont and Flagler and Trafalgar. Would it be self-defense if I shot one of those things?
Comments
How did this blog become a forum for Bullet to talk about sex and squirrels?
(Foxy's note: I guess in this new wild world of blogging, you just never know where a blog will lead to.)
Posted by: rubble | November 24, 2006 9:17 AM
Hey Foxy,
How did a concern about birds and trash become a "Political" issue? And Carver, let's keep those rumors to a minimum. I've never, mind you never, spent any time with squirrels. As a matter of fact, Flukie and I as youngsters eliminated all traces of chipmunks in area of Inman Station much to the chagrin of Senior and Rocky. (Inman Station is a suburb of Loon Lake). Though, I will confess to spending time with some members of the opposite sex who were considered a little "squirrely".
Posted by: Bullet | November 24, 2006 8:44 AM
The Old Foxman gets no respect just like the late Rodney Dangerfield! Just keep listening to your neighbor, The Carver! He knows it all!
Posted by: The Donald | November 23, 2006 11:55 AM
Foxy. I had the same problem. Mine, however, is with cats. No squirrel in his right mind would venture near my house.
Simple solution: Just spray ammonia on the inside the bag before closing. It also works with cats pooping on my garden. When they squat they burn. This blog is turning out to be Household tips from Eloise or that bug doctor on TV.
Posted by: skip zatonski | November 23, 2006 9:11 AM
Foxy,
Those big black birds are crows.
By the way, you being a former English teacher, the word 'trash' is distinctly American. Here in Canada we call it garbage. We take out the garbage on garbage day. 'Trash' is seldom heard. In Britain I believe it's 'rubbish'.
Just a bit of trivia for you.
(Foxy's note: I always enjoyed the varieties of English, depending on where one is from. Keep 'em coming!)
Posted by: Norm Stotland | November 22, 2006 5:05 PM
We used to have that problem in my neighborhood until we came up with a solution. We wrap the garbage bag with flypaper and the watch as the crow lands and gets the garbage bag firmly attached to his feet. He then takes off and usually isn't able to detach the bag from his feet for at least a couple of streets or so. I no longer have to pay for the city garbage pick-up either. The key is to put the garbage out a day or so early. With rocketing tax rates in the city you have to do what you can- at least until the Stewart-Bove Project is completed. Not so sure if it would work for squirrels. For the squirrels you might want to just tie a stray cat to the garbage cans. Perhaps even a photo of a cat might work.
Posted by: rubble | November 22, 2006 4:11 PM
just curious, how fast was the squirrel moving after she chowed on the hot sauced crust....because one cruised by me on prospect ave then across Beekman at warp speed heading towards the corner of Beekman and Bailey ... probably won't hear from her again, unless she's one of those "Bloody Mary loving Squirrels"... I heard the barmaid at Meron's mention "skipper" and "Bullet" were hangin out down there with a coupla squirrels... until now I didn't quite understand what she meant ?
Posted by: the carver | November 22, 2006 2:08 PM
No, under Article 35 of the Penal Law, I do not believe you would have grounds to claim self-defense. Before you go spreading birdshot all over Saratoga Court and Flaglar Drive, why don't you go and get a new garbage can, complete with a nice hinged cover so it doesn't go tumbling down the street with the slightest wind? Just a thought.
(Foxy's note: Hey, I'm a retired teacher on a fixed income!)
Posted by: Kern | November 22, 2006 10:33 AM