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Daughter strong during tough family times
By STEPHEN BARTLETT
Staff Writer
PLATTSBURGH — I’m in awe of children’s resistance and ability to cope with and adapt to emotionally trying situations.
I’ve read the literature stressing children need security, love and guidance to blossom beautifully in life, but still, their ability to persevere, often more efficiently than adults, amazes me.
My daughter, Darby, is 13. She grows more independent each day, transforming into a young woman emotionally, mentally and physically, contending with all the internal and external factors associated with that and all the while excelling in school and falling into her comfort zone socially.
Many wouldn’t know her little brother, Samuel, fought to be born and came into this world a question mark, under 4 pounds and struggling with extremely poor heart function.
She learned he had 1p36 Deletion Syndrome and would be viewed by some as inferior, even though to her Samuel was simply the beautiful baby boy she fell in love with. Of course, he was different; for her, there was no one else like him out there.
Over the summer, Darby was with Samuel’s mother, Shannon, and I in Boston as he underwent open-heart surgery, successfully, but not without trying moments.
She watched a baby who barely opened eyes and was fed through a tube grow into a strong little dude who pulls her hair, yells at her occasionally and laughs and smiles at her often.
If that weren’t enough, Darby learned Shannon and I were separating. She’s dealt with the impact of that news and moving into a smaller home with her father, no longer perfect.
While I apologized for my failings, I’ll never erase that memory. Friends say admitting, followed by change, is an excellent learning moment for a child. Sure, but I still can’t rid the unpleasant taste from my mouth.
Early into the school year, Darby experienced her first personal disappointment in grades, not doing as well in math as she’d have liked. Her teacher said she didn’t seem focused.
I explained the situation and told Darby not to beat herself up, especially given what she’s gone through. It’s okay to lose focus.
She’s since brought her grade up and has stepped back into the shoes of a child, or I should say, young woman, who is comfortable around and laughs around her father and stepmother.
Heck, I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything and still hurts over the struggles with Samuel and the splitting of her parents. And while Shannon and I kept communications lines open and ensured she knew we were always in her corner, I’m overwhelmed by her strength.
That’s why it’s especially troubling to run into children who are suffering extreme turmoil and who are broken, with no one to hold them tight and help them feel safe amid the fear, uncertainty and hurt they’re experiencing.
But that’s another discussion.
E-mail Stephen Bartlett at:
sbartlett@pressrepublican.com
Comments
Steve,
Did you write this blog for me? Reading about the pain associated with your recent life makes me appreciate blogs like this! Your story lets people know that many of us struggling with family crisis are not alone.
Children enduring adult decisions isn't anything new. You would think we would have gotten smarter about it somehow. Unfortunately though, in the process of living our lives we often need to advance beyond certain personal imbroglios and our children get caught up in the aftermath.
My wife recently accepted a job in a distant city, which she needed to take for the career advancement, personal validation, and escape from inclimate small town life. I have no doubt that many people view her/our decision as problematic--something that they would never do--and judge her/us. They would have to stand in line to do that, because no one judges us more than we do. I know I struggle with the decision almost daily. It isn't necessarily because my wife isn't here. She is beautiful, and has always been quite loving in her support of our marriage. No, the pain doesn't come from that, but from the fracture in our family unit. My 8 year old little girl now lives away from her father and brother. The pain of this reality is so deep that I can barely see what I am typing at this moment, my eyes so welled up in tears. Occassionally my 11 year old son will tearfully tell me he misses his mother and sister. He is a brave little man whose emotional strength (like Darby's) is quite impressive. He has taken to starting/ending every day with a hug from his father. His grades drifted as well for a moment, focus (like Darby) appearing to be the reason.
What do we do? In my situation if my wife had stayed and passed up on the unbelievable opportunity that was available to her she wouldn't have been happy which would have adversely affected our family/household. So what is a person to do? I don't have any brilliant answer to that question. I just try to love my son as much as I can, everday. I also try to communicate with my daughter consistently, albeit long distance. I also try to support my now long distance wife's career aspirations and relational anxieties as she does mine. And I also try to keep my perspective on our so-called problems, realizing that in the grand scheme of things, while they bring quite a bit of pain to us at times, things could be so much worse! So, for me, perspective is the objective!!!
Posted by: JWWJ | March 3, 2008 6:35 AM