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Is Too Much Experience A Bad Thing For Women/Men?

One of our consistent contributers, Card Buddy, implied in one of his postings as a response to a scene from the film Clerks, that the average person isn't haggling over the difference in the amount of lovers one may or may not have had in their lifetime in comparison to the lover they may be currently involved with. Let's be real here, how many men are comfortable with a woman that has more sexual experience than them? What is the reason men's response is different from women's, or is there any difference at all? More importantly, is there a larger societal consequence to these differences?

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Ok, J.W., you wrote to be real. I will be. Men often lie about this, they exaggerate the number because it makes them look (feel?) cool. Women often lie about this. They tend to make the number smaller than it actually is. Why? So they won't be considered "that" kind of girl/woman. I bartended for years to pay for college and heard a lot of conversations regarding this. I can't speak from a man's perspective but I know, as a woman, when a man brags about how many lovers he's had, it's a turn-off. Blog my blog, buddy! Take care.

JW
I think your question is an interesting one. I don't think you'll find many men that are comfortable with their female partners being more sexually experienced. I'm interested in reading other posts in response to this.

Personally, I think it relates to "power" and how that plays out in a male/female relationship. If you frame the question in a different way, and instead of looking at it from a sexual perspective, change it to a professional one, how many men are comfortable with women who are more experienced than them? Moreover, although more experiece doesn't always equate to more pay, how many men are comfortable with women who earn more than them? This all, as I see it, goes back to power.

In a society where men are typically in positions of authority and power, it makes sense that a man would be uncomfortable with a woman who has more experience, and because of that experience, possibly more power, in the bedroom.

Come on J.W.

It is'nt the experience that I'm afraid of, I'm more worried about what baggage that they might have brought from there previous place of resident. If you stop an think about it. The more the Woman know's the more she can teach you, an if you already know it, it's proble best to let her think you don't. That will help prevent a blow up in bed...

As a shy guy with few notches on my belt, I have very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I have a great deal of respect and admiration for a woman who willingly chooses to wait until she finds that special somebody to share something with. There is, I believe, something unique about "going the distance" with another. Yet, I'm not trying to take the moral ground here, and proclaim myself to "give it up" to only those I expect to be with forever and ever.

Now, like I said, I am of two minds on this matter. The above "good girl" is very appealing, and women know this. Often times women will delibrately play dumb in sexual matters, and act like niave, coy, innocent creatures. This kind of play, however, greatly annoys me. I want honesty, from everybody, no matter their status.

If I meet a girl who has far more experience then me, I admire her too, in a different way from the "good girl" whose kept herself "pure". I admire her bravery in the face of social convention, I admire her ability to give as good as she gets, and frankly, as a shy guy, I enjoy a girl who knows how to take control.

Having said all that, I think Jason makes a very good point, about how it can be seen as yet another power dynamic. Unlike most men, I wouldn't mind a woman making more $ then me. I don't know why any guy would! Let her buy dinner, take ME out on the town, so on and so forth. Likewise, I don't mind, indeed I rather enjoy, a powerful woman.

First of all, in my experience, women make a much bigger deal out of how many partners their man has had. I don't think I've ever asked a woman that question, but, I have been asked that question by most of the girlfriends I had over the years. And sure men lie about it - to their BUDIES - but not to their significant others. In fact, if a man is going to lie about it to his girlfriend, he'll usually REDUCE the number, not increase it. Woman all want to hear that they're the only one's we've slept with, and, even if they're not, they're the only one with whom it's meant anything.

10,20,30,40,50,100+. Who cares?!?!?!?!
For some reason society chose at one point in time to mystify sex and make it a corrupt, sinful thing that should be saved for marriage. It's a pleasurable physical act, as simple as that. If you want to only share it with those you love, fine. If you want to share it with as many as people as possible, that's fine too. But ultimately it really shouldn't matter who has had more partners in a relationship. I personally could care less how many partners a female has had and whether the number is signficantly higher or lower than my number. Just be safe and always know and be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

Hi JW,
I think the key word used in your question is "relationship". Many people, both men and women, have casual sex with multiple partners, and contrary to popular belief, have for a very long time. However, I think once in a relationship, partners are thinking of sex as more than just "a few moments of pleasure", and begin to think of it as an expression of caring. THIS is where the problems surface, IMO. Both men and women in "relationships" want to feel that what they are doing with their partner is "meaningful" in a way that perhaps it hasn't been before. Or perhaps, they are hoping that they are one of "just a few" for whom it MEANS more than just those few moments of pleasure. I asked my hubby what his thoughts were; he said he felt a woman had as much right as a man to find casual pleaures from sex, and had no problem if the woman had had multiple or more partners or experience than he. But he also stated that it was his hope that once entered into a "relationship", being faithful to each other would become what was important. I personally don't care how many partners a person has had, as long as they are "playing safe", so that if and when they do decide to pick a final partner, they are free of disease. Biggest problem I see on this debate is how "loudly" one shares their sexual history. If boasting about conquests, be the party male or female, I'd have to say that person is simply making a "power play", 'cause any time someone talks about 'how many', 'how much', 'how high on the totem pole they are', etc..., what they are doing is boasting, bragging, and trying to look powerful, IMO.

JW:

My ideas are all based on a heterosexual male perspective.

Certainly the taboo nature of sex is a cause for the "haggling" that couples do over their partners sexual tally sheets. Whether you know it or not everyone gives some sort of meaning to their lovers sexual history and experience. I think society has conceptualized sex in a manner that depicts it as being something negative and filthy. In some situations where someone is uncomfortable with their lovers experience I would argue that they are being persuaded (probably subconciously) by underlying societal forces that maintain the idea that sex is wrong and something to be ashamed of. Their lover is no longer as beautiful because he/she is corrupt. I think this can apply to both men and women.

I would argue that the majority of men wouldn't be entirely comfortable with a woman who has had more sexual experience than themselves. Many men aren't even comfortable with their lover's sexual experience period. Sure a man may be able to give less consideration to the topic in regards to a woman he was casually sleeping with, but a man not giving consideration to his lover's sexual experience is utterly absurd. It's impossible to overcome all of societies constructions and see through all of the hidden meanings we give to sex and women. Simply put all men are tainted by societies hardwiring.

Consider the idea of male dominance that is perpetuated in society. Women are attached to this ongoing struggle for power and dominance among men. Women are a represenation of it in our society. A man with a beautiful woman is automatically given credit as having at least a certain level of power for his ablity to "pull" a woman of such beauty. Try and tell me that as a man you don't look at another man with a beautiful woman (By beautiful I don't just mean physically attractive) and ask how did he get her? Your asking about his power. Certainly one could argue that a man is uncomfortable with a woman who has had many partners because he see's her previous partners as other men who had power over his lover. He only see's her as HIS lover and therefore the idea of previous partners infringes on the power he posesses. It infringes on both the power he wants over her and certainly on the conception of power that he creates for himself. How powerful can YOU be if fifty
OTHER guys slept with YOUR lover?

The idea of power in relationships and sex is applicable to men and women. Lovers certainly maintain a possesive characteristic in a relationship. The very idea that we typically view monogomous relationships as the only right type of serious relationship speaks to this idea. Finding out that our lover has had previous sexual partners forces us to acknowledge that we are not the only ones who have possessed our current lover. The problem between lovers I think often lies in the idea that lovers often equate sexual experience with the same possesive nature of love when in actuality it probably isn't equal. Sex and love ought not to be confused.

Good lord, if a man is truely worried over how many men a woman had before him, he must have some confidence issue to begin with. My wife slept with 51-55 men before we dated and got married, She was my 3rd and last. I have never worried about the other, because I was the one she chose to spend the rest of her life with. Don't worry about being the first, just be the last.

Yeah, there's a bit of a fork from the road when men and women get productive wherever they either go down the "modesty" route or the "complete bugger" route. I'd say about 60 - 70 % in the time they take the latter.

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