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Dating Outside Of Your Race

Have I dated outside my race? Well, if I say yes believe me some black women might say, I knew he had dated a white woman, or I knew he would date a white woman. Either proposition could be quite frustrating for black women who sometime process a black man crossing the color line as if he is seeking a woman that society might view more favorably. Don’t dismiss this too quickly. Black men also have their anxieties about black women dating outside the race. Spike Lee possibly captured the woman's take on this phenomenon best in the conversation he featured called the “war council” in his 1993 film "Jungle Fever." Rumor has it he just gave the women in that film's conversation a topic, "interracial dating and loss of black men to white women," and then let the camera capture one of the most authentic conversations ever captured on film. And like many people if not most who may not be the product of an interracial union, opinions on interracial dating are often fraught with stereotypical notions. Well, maybe I have dated outside my race, far outside of it, traveling in many directions and acquiring insight into different cultures and values along the way. Oh yes, and incurring the slings and arrows of opinionated people from both sides of the racial divide. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. You will find out later if you just keep reading. So, keep reading!

I remember the first time I crossed the color line to “examine diversity.” I was sixteen in Tulsa, Oklahoma and my 15 year old cousin was somewhat dating one of two sisters (really hanging out is more appropriate to what was actually occurring) who were both eager to hang out with two young black men. I had never even imagined what a head rush it would be to be under a spotlight like the one that interracial dating puts you under. Regardless of your strong will and character, knowing people are looking at you out of the curiosity of witnessing two different skinned people appearing to have some type of intimate relationship underway is quite intriguing. Knowing that people hate you for you daring to do something that they have been taught is not right is incredible. Even admiring two people that enjoy one another can be quite invasive and when they are attempting to enjoy one another amidst society’s stares and whispers, someone admiringly witnessing their relationship can still be problematic because of the couple’s cultivated paranoia.

Different raced people enter into relationships knowing what is in front of them, or do they? The layers of scrutiny associated with this type of dating run deep, and the scars associated with attempting to merge two vary divergent races, cultures, and often religions, even at the least complicated level of simply dating, definitely make you wonder why anyone would do it? It gives another level of appreciation to the thought that many gays offer in the nature/nurture debate over sexual orientation, “why would anyone choose to be gay and deliberately put their life at risk in a dysfunctional American society.”

Hanging out with the two white sisters and my cousin had its most intriguing moment when my great-grandmother discovered our relationship when these two young women drove from South Tulsa all the way over to the North side to “hang with us.” My great-grandmother was gracious when we introduced her to them, but afterwards when they left, something was alarmingly different about her disposition, mostly captured in the fact that she wasn’t speaking to us. Of course, I pressed her for conversation and was blown away with her response. “Can you visit their homes?” she angrily asked. Wow! Her question was mind blowing because both the sisters and my cousin and I knew we couldn’t. Their father was adamant about the fact he didn’t want them dating blacks. When I answered her “No, we can’t,” she responded, “Then I don’t want them over here either.”

To provide you some context, my cousin and I were living with our great-grandmother Mama Horn, a woman who was one of the pillars of the community in the fact that she also carried the designation of being the first black policewoman in the state of Oklahoma. My great-grandmother was also a survivor of the 1921 Tulsa Race Riot, a consequence of Tulsa’s Black Wall Street (which you history buffs should “google” if you want to see one of America’s blackest eyes). Lastly, my great-grandmother was truly grand in every way, seldom if ever losing her temper. My response to her last statement was to just turn and walk away and attempt to process where her anger came from. It was over a period of years when I came to realize that her anger may have been wrapped up in her being bi-racial, and not as if her grandmother had a choice. Did someone say legalized, societal, systematic rape?

My great-grandmother was born in 1897, so her grandmother (my great, great, great-grandmother) was a slave and many if not most women during slavery were not given the choice of who they were going to create children with. Until recently our history books, television shows and movies seldom depicted this reality, and if so, whitewashed it. Even in the classic television movie series Roots, rape was sugarcoated as “abuse.” So, maybe her reaction was in response to a memory of that. Maybe her response was to the fact that her two great-grandsons were oblivious of the pain associated with dating outside the race. Just as American history has often been painted in a way to virtuously portray the victors, my relatives probably kept away many of the atrocities associated with our oral and actual history so that we wouldn’t have to see our lesser than reality, though it may have given us a better understanding of our current day lesser than reality. Maybe her pain was from the fact that we felt we had to import two young white women into our community, perhaps somehow suggesting a lesser than status of the young women that lived in the neighborhood. Maybe her anger came from imagining the life we would have if we were stupid enough to think that we could date outside the race and not pay for it, in some form or fashion.

I often wonder how angry Mama Horn would have been if one of my two sisters had “hung out” with young white men? Would the anger have been more or less? Since many scholars argue that white men are positioned in America society with more opportunities for success, would Mama Horn have somehow acquiesced to that interracial reality, and instead left it up to the young white man’s energies to fight his lesser-than-status from within his own community. How far have we come with this interracial dating? At local parks I see all these beautiful children running about, playing with one another, many without a thought about their differences. How many parents are comfortable with them playing, but want friendship to be just that, friendship. The tritest defense supporting the taboo of interracial dating is that the worlds not ready for it. Yeah, right! People aren’t ready for it because they are overtly concerned with what their friends might say. It makes me think of a line from a Dave Chappelle skit, “Oh, this racism is killing us!” I often wonder myself as a parent how I might respond if one day one of my children approached me and introduced me to their interracial love interest. Hopefully, with less anger, I can later ask my child if they can visit their love interest’s home. If not, then unlike my great-grandmother, I will observe a moment of silence on behalf of the limited vision of those parents, but won’t deny them my support because of scars inflicted from a misguided, dysfunctional society.

1. How many of you actually think that your choices, what you find attractive, or not attractive, isn’t tied to some knee high sermon or soliloquy you heard from your parents, uncles, aunts, friends, films, or books that forever framed for you a person that might have been your soul mate if the conversation ever had a chance to flow freely.

2. How many of you instead settled for a person that your family and friends approved of, as if they had to live with the person daily, and missed out on other worlds you could have visited.

3. How many of you are now poised to pass that tradition onto your children under the guise of wanting the best for them, when it may be more of wanting the best for yourself in terms of fewer questions to answer, and minimal anxiety about meeting, and dare I say it, getting to know the “others’ family.

4. Oh, and how many of you have even truly considered if it is even possible to date outside your race when really there is only one true race, the human race. Everything else is hype!!!

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Comments

J. W. you are a seer of all things: reading my mind. An incident came to the forfront....

1. I was remembering my father's cousin. At the end of September, I'll be attending a political convention in Palm Springs and hope to see this lady's daughter who lives in California. What does this all have to do with your topic? A great deal.

Many years ago, in the 50s, my dad's cousin's daughter fell in love with, and married, a physician who happened to be Japanese. She and her husband literally disowned their daughter. For years, my cousin tried in vain to establish contact, to no avail.

Then, my father's cousin contracted a serious illness which no north country "white" doctors were able to make a diagnosis. She wrote her daughter, giving the symptoms and saying, literally, "Good-bye".

Okay, you're ahead of me, J. W. Her Japanese son-in-law knew immediately what the condition was and sent information to her doctors back east. Yes, it WAS what she had and was cured.

And, yes, you guessed it again! Dr. K became a hero and family ties restored. A HEROIC deed saved the day! Why in the blazes did anything have to be heroic .... why not just good and decent people? Tell me WHY it takes a heroic action to legitimize a person of another race or color!

2. My French great ancestors on both sides moved to Quebec - one in the early 1600s and the others in the 1700. These gentlemen on both sides met, and married, native American ladies. (I almost said "girls" .... fie!). Marie Olivier Sylvestre was a full-blooded Huron. The other ladies, from the Mohawk tribe.

The point I'm making, is, until I did my own family history, I had no idea of this wonderful heritage that flows in my veins. When I asked older relatives - now long in the here-after - about our Indian connections the only response I'd get is "Oh my God, Indians ... NO."

So, J. W., it's not only a black-white issue. It's a human condition. I live here in Reno which is a melting pot, of sorts .... and, I see the Hispanic issue every day - especially with illegals. My opinion, well, I have strong views on border security. However, I also live in an area of Reno that is very heavily populated with persons on Mexican descent. Some are American citizens ... some working on citizenship and, Lord knows how many are illegal. My husband and I are "adopted" grandparents for all the little ones around here. We are invited to their fiestas and cookouts.

Brown - White - Black - Yellow - Olive skinned - people are people. I'm so glad we're making some progress in this regard. The early - mid 20th Century was an awful time for racial issues. I wonder why we needed a larger-than-life heros like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Alex Haley to wake up the country, except maybe it took prolific men such as these to dilute the bigotry.

Good topic today! Thank you, J. W.!

Lynda


*** Lynda, A seer eh! You imply a prognosticator of the highest merit eh! Why thank you Lynda. You definitely will be seriously considered if and when the day comes that I need an agent who truly believes and understands my abilities.

You shared two great stories that both point to the same essential reality: the hypocrisy of the human condition. Many people just aren't prepared to consistently give what they want or get, because if they were then they'd have no problem doing what Snoop Dogg says "just imagaine if the rabbit had the gun though." Yes, all of us are situated deeply enough in various aspects of the human condition to potentially experience a loss of some major privilege that could leave us vulnerable to be oppressed or unjustly dominated.

After saying all of that, "have I told you recently how happy I am that you are in the game? *** -- J.W.


J.W.
I am so glad you wrote this blog. I have dated out side of my race which is ethnically mixed but mostly white. A Moroccan man and a First Nations(Native) man. I married an ethincally mixed person although he looks white. The other relationships did not work out because of cheating. I guess it could have been the pressure from other people but it might just have been life too. Anyway, I have to say that mostly my family was pretty open minded but also had alot of questions such as what's he like, what is he interested in, etc. But my parents and family would ask those questions regardless of the person. I guess I feel like I can't believe it's 2007 and our society is still having problems with racism. It's not fair. But who said life was fair. I feel that First Nations people really need to be recognized. Living near Ganienkeh and Akwesasne people sometimes only think of Bingo and the Casino. Have people gotten to know their neighbors or the culture that has been here for centuries? Also, other ethnically diverse families, African, Japanese, Mexican, Spanish, . I lived in a town where Mexican workers were brought in to pick lettuce and apples and they were not always treated well. One of the workers I knew was stabbed. Our competive society likes to keep people oppressed so that the 1% white elite can keep the money. What do you think about that? Thank you for bringing up this topic. You are an awesome person! :-)

*** M&L, If I say that I wrote this blog for you I am sure you may not believe me, but I did. If we are having conversations about diversity and social justice, at some point all readers enter the game, albeit as someone with something to say, or simply a passive participant (non-posting person), if for no other reason than their indifference to others pain, or possibly the threat to their privilege.

Regarding the 1% white elite keeping their money, I don't want to play the race card prematurely here. While racism has benefitted some/many, and they definitely have manuevered/manipulated to keep their healthy bank accounts fat, in a capitalistic society that encourages if not rewards this type of behavior, race isn't the determining factor as to who would do this and who wouldn't. As a matter of fact, you could almost say in a capitalistic society, to borrow the words of NBA star Charles Barkley "anything else would be uncivilized." *** -- J.W.

J.W.,
The story of your great-grandmother and great-great-great grandmother leaves me with a very heavy heart, but I am glad you shared it.

I am having a hard time understanding what the debate is about when it comes to dating outside your race. I realize people are ignorant and cruel when it comes to interracial dating and marriage, but why should that stop two people who are truly happy being with one another? The fact that it needs to be debated really makes me sad, as I'm sure it makes those sad / angry who are directly confronted with it. When my daughter or son reaches an age when they are seriously dating, I will be concerned with whether or not they have chosen to be with someone who respects and loves them and truly makes them happy, not at all with the color of their skin. If either of my children date or marry outside their race, I will be hopeful that the benefits of their relationship will greatly outweigh the negativity that may come their way from those who need a basic education in humanity.

I am white and I have never dated anyone of a different race. I certainly have admired men of other races though. I grew up in a very small rural town and had 32 in my graduating class. (not much diversity ) I have never lived in a city and I suppose my experience is limited, but It I believe that it is best to treat others how you would like to be treated, simple but effective given consistency and time.

So why don't parents want to see their children date or marry outside their race?Is it because they do not want to see their children subject to harassment??? Who are the harassers, really and how does anyone attemt to legitimately back up the point that it is wrong? I am just clueless.

"One true race, the human race" rings like a bell!

edr

*** EDR, It is sad that we live in a world that often chooses race over romance. You undoubtedly recognize race as nothing more than a social construct. However, unless you have checked in with your spouse, and can anticipate the reactions of other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), be careful what you say may occur with the reaction to your children's choices. Many people simply don't have the "race" conversation with their partners until it is too late. Oh, and I agree that the benefits of an interracial relationship should far outweigh the detriments, but that would be the barometer for any relationship, so we must be careful not to put too much emphasis on interracial romances having to bear more fruit, though they will undoubtedly bear more burdens. That fact in itself may be the reason why some would make the argument that any couple that loves beyond the scrutiny of an irrational society will bear more fruit because the relationship will be more profound, if it survives!!! *** --J.W.

J.W.
I've observed this issue from a unique point of view - a wedding DJ. I won't say I've officiated at a ton of inter-racial weddings, but, I have done a few. Occasionally there is a very cold feeling in the room - no one on one side wanting to get to close to anyone on the other side of the "bride/groom" aisle. But to be fair, I've seen that at same-race marriage too. It is possible, after all, that dislike of the in-laws is no more complicated than, well, not liking one's in laws.

But more often, the two families have come together in a spirit celebration and a wonderful mix of cultures and customs occurs. Spokesmen from each of the families can be heard making comments about how pleased they are to have learned so much about another culture or how interesting it is to see different traditions. Usually, they all sound quite suprised at just how pleased they, themselves are at having their own sterotypes or preconceptions blown out of the water.

One in particular comes to mind. The bride's family was Itallian and the groom's family was Korean. In both cases, the grandparents were "off the boat" and had extensive extended families. There were 350 people at this party and let me tell you it was a PARTY! For a DJ - the hardest thing was pronouncing all the names! My point is, often it merely takes exposure to another culture on a personal level for what appear to be concrete barriers of sterotypes and bias to come falling down.

*** CB, what a great story! I wish I had been at an Italian-Korean wedding. I can't even begin to imagine how that party may have thrived, though I am curious what type of sounds you were putting out there.

On a side note, I hope you are saving your cash, because you and your friend the "tall trash-talking gentleman" are going down!!! I imagine the gathering is on the horizon. Make sure he knows his money will spend as well as anyone else's! *** -- J.W.

J.W.

Your column is very interesting. My youngest daughter's husband is Mexican. And most of the rude comments and remarks have come from his family. They have a beautiful 18 month old son, and he is not really accepted by my son in law's family, and neither is my daughter. The fact that Evelio married a "white" girl is unacceptable to them, and they call my grandson a "half breed". The names they call my daughter are unprintable. On the other hand, my family are so happy that she is married to a wonderful man and love all three of them. I had thought if there was any prejudice, it would come from my side of the family. I was wrong. But in the long run, the only ones losing out are his family by not getting to know their smart, handsome, wonderful grandson, nephew, cousin, etc and his mother.

*** CD, you are so right. Those of us that prejudge are the one's that miss out on other's realities. And you can never anticipate exactly who will be doing the extreme prejudging because in anticipating that reaction, on some level, we are prejudging as well. *** -- J.W.

J.W.

I found this article especially interesting as in I have just started dating a Muslim man about four months ago. It never crossed my mind that our different religious backgrounds could cause such problems until the first time I went over to his house.

I met his brothers, who were sitting on the couch smoking a hooka. I remember thinking, 'wow, this is going to be an experience!' I then ate dinner with my boyfriend. Once we were done eating, his brothers came into the kitchen and said to me "now you do the dishes because you are a woman." I had no idea how to even begin to respond to this straight-forward sexism. I didn't want to offend them, but at the same time I didn't want to compromise my beliefs. I decided to tell them "I am a guest in this house and you cooked me dinner, so I will help with the dishes. Not because I am a woman, but because I am a guest." His brothers just laughed at me, until I got my boyfriend to also help me clean the plates.

Another time when I was with my boyfriend in the mall, an Arabic Muslim woman straight-out told him he shouldn't be dating me. She said "how could you be dating this girl... look at the way she dresses!" I remember feeling absolutely horrified and naked. I never thought the way I dressed was inappropriate, but this woman made me feel like the biggest slut in the mall. Then after thinking about the situation more, I realized that this is just the way these people were raised. I can't take all of these criticisms to heart since it is just relative to the culture they were brought up in.

I'm still grasping to accept these vast differences and constant criticisms from other people, since they really can't be ignored. I've learned so much from this relationship. Not just about the Muslim religion, but also about myself. For one of the first times in my life, I am the 'other.'

Jenna

*** Jenna, I won't ask what a "hooka" is, because I don't want to contribute to any conversation that might get the DEA involved. There is attention getting and then attention getting. I prefer the former over the latter!

You let the guys off easy. Nowadays many women would have ripped the guys a new one. A

Your sharing of your ability to frame the disdain for other potential romances as cultural relativism is shrewd to say the least. If others understood that concept many of our jingoistic ways may not blindly influence us. Accepting these vast differences and constant criticisms from other people, since they really can't be ignored, is one of the best options someone could pursue. So, why don't we all give chase? That is the question, everything else is foreplay. *** --J. W.

You know, I am in an interracial relationship with a guy outside of my race. oh,,,, guys, you can not image what I have met. I am a black cuttie girl and I just met my love half year ago and we will get married next month, and interracial love of course. Am I lucky? So lucky I think, and I wanna share my happiness with all of you here.

By the way, I found my half part baby on a great interracial site. He is really gorgeous, even sometimes he is a little shy. -:) If you try InterracialMatch.com, you also can be the next lucky one. LOL. Bye!! and good luck to you all.

J.W,
Coming from someone that has had their share of interacial daiting, has been recently engaged outside of my race, been raised in a multicultural community and embraced cultural diversity- Race does matter in a relationship. Yes, there is only one race I do agree with that; however, within the human race there are many different opionions, colors, cultures, religions and so on. I think it is wrong to try to ignore those differences, but it is just as wrong to not accept and embrace them.

I have lived in Queens for the majority of my life. From the places that I have visited, lived and experinced, I can honestly say that Queens is the most diverse among them all. First, It is the most diverse borough in New York City. There are a rainbow of people and even within one's "race" you will find many different cultural differences (different countries, languages, food, culture). If a person takes a bus in Queens, from one end to the other, they will witness the change of towns. For example, the Q17 which goes from Jamaica to Main St. The areas are as follows: Jamaica- concentrated with blacks, shopping centers, music playing (generally the latest hip hop song on the radio, frequent mcdonalds est), Hillside- a great concentration of blacks, west indians and east asian people- there are different dilects here, a lot of curry food, produce stores with "island food", golden crust, and east asian clothing in store fronts. Then would be Fresh Meadows- this is a diverse group mostly populated with middle class whites, blacks, hispanics and asians. There are also two highschools around this area so any loud or obsence behavior is generally due to the students not the neighborhood. next would be the "pre flushing" area (close to my home)- as I like to call it. Here there are Asians, Indians, Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, that all live amongst each other. Followed by Kissena Blvd which takes you into "curry town" as its called by locals with halal food signs and resturants, then Main St (the real Flushing) "the China town of Queens" with Chinese and Korean business signs. Even Main St with its heavy concentration of Asians, you will find many hispanics and whites being that this is a heavy transportation point from one town in Queens to the next.

I say all of this because I have friends from all of these different areas of Queens. People from Queens know that they will see people walking near them that look VERY different from them, and simply accept it. It isnt unusal to see two people of different races "hanging out" or a diverse group of friends hanging out (Yes I have particiapted in both actions and enjoyed it). The differences that seperate us generally bring us together. But when two people are actually daiting, the diverse eyes of Queens generally become very narrow minded.

I have learned many different things from some of my ex boyfriends who were of different backgrounds then my own. To start, I've daited a Haitian, a Guyanese, an Itialian, a Peruvian & Columbian, a Jamaican, a Puetro Rican & white, and finally someone who was African American. I would be ignorant to generalize and associate a whole group of people based on my past relationships with one person; however I have learned things about their cultures and embraced it with open arms.

With race generally comes many other consequencial ideas that are ignored such as religion, and behavioral practices. This can arrange a conflict between two people especially if one is not open minded enough to simply accept the other person's beliefs without having to impose them.

There is also the family issue. When you enter someone else's home who looks different from you (their hair is different, the facial features are much different then yours, their body shape, est) it is not unusual to breifly feel self conscious. There is enough pressure to get to know these people, and hope that you like each other (or at least stomach each other long enough to have dinner together) without wondering if they are talking about you in their language followed by laughter. As you mentioned you were not welcomed in your ex girlfriend's home. I would have probably preferred this honesty then some of the uncomfortable situations I've experinced in the past. People today are so afraid to be labled as a racist, that their every action becomes processed, over thought, and ungenuine.

My white ex-fiance for example was probably one of the hardest relationships that I've ever endured because of race. When we first decided to date, I realized that there would be some looks and stares, but I never realized to what extent. We use to work together in a very white, very sheltered and rich area of College Point (about seven minutes away from his house). If any of these people have ever associated with a minority it was inaurguably because of the local all boys catholic school. Even this, sheltered them from different classes because people within the catholic school were either extremely smart and got scholarships to pay for their schooling, or their parents either had money or worked extremely hard to ensure their education.

On our first date, we went to the movies. We tried out a couple of different movie theatres that weekend mostly because I wanted to see which town I would receive the least amount of stares in. I felt uncomfortable when we went out because no matter where we went there was always the ackward stare to adjust too. Although I have went out with people of different backgrounds and races before, a black daiting a haitian or a columbian is not as strange as a black daiting a white person, and those stares were usually not as harsh or long. With my white ex, the fiery stares were never ending. Eventually weeks later I became more comfortable with him and the stares from both blacks and whites didnt matter anymore. I remember walking down the block once in Jamica with my ex and receiving a "why are you with him look" from a black guy approaching the opposite direction of us. I simply took my ex's hand and continued walking.

I think the hardest thing for me to cope with was visiting his home. His parents, brother, and sister had a cultural shock when I walked in the door. (I had long learned to tell my mother whom I was bringing and where he was from to avoid the "oh he's.... look"). There mouths dropped in unison and I sware to this day that some drool came out of his sister's. I simply smiled and said good evening, and watched his mother try to compose herself and find her manners. She complimented me on my shirt and asked me if I wanted anything to drink. Weeks and months had went by and my mother had invited him over for dinner several times, until the point when he became a regular guest in our home. It was unnecessary for me to tell her that he was coming over because he was always welcomed (although I would give her a head up incase she had company). I was invited over to dinner at his home twice within the six months that we daited, and one of those times it was cancled due to his father becoming "sick" that day.

Later when we became more serious, I realized some of my best friends started acting differently towards me. My Jamican bestfriend who was always eager to hear about my stories became very disinterested after i said "He's white". She simply said "Oh..." and quickly changed the subject. Her boyfriend who I was also very close to told me that white people were evil and that he would put my butt in the cotton fields and lynch me, and assured me after it happend he would come after the cracker. I was shocked to hear my friend speak that way with all of the white friends he had at our school. "so much for double daiting" I thought. Her boyfriend had actually set me up with his friend who I daited for two years, I was use to hanging out with them but soon realized that any thoughts or hopes I had of them accepting my ex were to be shattered.

We found some couple friends at work that were also biracial whom we didnt mind hanging out with. We made jokes about each other's races and our own lovingly. We hung out often and really enjoyed each others company. I think this was probably one of the highlights in our relationship, when race was never an issue. There were those times when I had wished that he was black, when there was a joke I knew that he wouldnt understand, or a discussion about southern food (collard greens, candy yams, black eyed peas with smoked neck bones est), or even the old motown music that our parents made us listen too. He did listen to a variety of music, some of which I liked but I wasnt very happy about listening to everything that came on Z100 or KTU. He didnt understand why I had to grease my hair, or tie it up at night. He never offered to pay for my hair although I could pay for it myself. (I guess my black ex boyfriend spoiled me?) Even the simple "escorting a lady back to her home after a date" seemed to be strange to him, where as every other guy of other races whom I dated would do it without asking. When I confronted him about it he said he never did that with any of his ex girlfriends, and neither did any of his friends. When I brought to his attention that my neighborhood wasnt the safest in Queens, and we were returning home late he then began to take me home.

He also had things about him that I didnt understand. There was an obsession with hockey that I never understood. We were in the city once and passed by the being built NHL store. I didnt even realize what the acronym was or why he was so excited about it. I also didnt understand his fascination of getting high. Him and his friends talked about it as if they had all received a billion dollars each. (This was something I also experinced with the Itailian guy I dated as well.) Yes, I have dated guys that smoked weed before but soon quit realizing its consequences and before we went out. His drug usage was a huge problem for me. I didnt use drugs and I didnt date people who used either, in fact I have ended a couple of realtionship for the same reason. When I confronted him about him being high once while we were together with friends bowling, he said he understood where I was coming from and it wouldnt happen again. And it didnt.

After we got engaged, I realized that there were a lot of reasons why we wouldnt work out. It was one of the rare instances in life that was as simple as black and white. We always ended up arguing because of the little things that our races impossed on us. Although our whole relationship wasnt bad, in fact we had a lot of fun together; I realized that I needed to be with someone that could understand me and relate to me more, and he needed the same. After a while, we began going through the notions instead of having a relationship, and he decided it was time to stop, I agreed.

My advice to anyone who is considering entering a interacial relationship, whether it be romantic, a friendship, profesional est- stay as open minded as possible but do not loose yourself in the process. I needed someone that could relate to me more, but that may not be everyone's personal preference, and that is okay. As long as respect is maintained for you and your partner, and you arent naive about the differences but embrace them, there shouldnt be much else to worry about. There will always be stares and people that will disapprove but once you appreciate the person you are with for WHO they are instead of WHAT they are, then the opinions of others no longer matter. Still, it is ignorant and naive to think that race wont play a card in a relationship, its just a matter of how much it matters to you and the person you are with.

As some of you know may know, I'm of Africa heritage. Hubby, on the other hand, is Caucasian. To most people, we're an interracial couple. It's nothing I really think about or notice, but other people (occasionally) comment on it.

As a result, I'm fairly sensitive to interracial dating. And I recently discovered InterracialChats.com, an interracial dating website for men and women who are specifically looking for an interracial relationship. The site features people of all ethnicities, ages and socio-economic backgrounds, and it allows you to search by zip code for interracial personals.

The user friendly site allows members to send messages to potential dates, and you can join for free. The profiles include plenty of information, such as age, marital status, children, pets, music and movie preferences, political views and more. With this much information, it's easy to find someone who could be a great romantic match for you!

So here's the truth. I have no problem with black women dating white men or black men dating white women...nor do I really care if a black man gets himself an asian or otherwise woman.

What is bothering is when anyone masks a problem with a relationship. This can take on many forms. One of the most obvious to me is interracial relationships. Usually it's a dark skinned black person who has felt left out of society their entire life. (or light skin who felt inferior to the masses). They hope by finding someone white (viewed as bettter) they are moving up. They don't feel they are good enough and the white will help erase the pain.

HI JW,

I am Chinese who was born n raised in Indonesia, I am deeply in love with my current boyfriend of Indonesian Javanese race.

When I told my parents that I have an Indonesian's boyfriend they instantly dissaprove and fell ill.

They didn't even meet him, didn't know his name, what he's doing, how he is as a person...

The fact is enough for them to shut him out and ask me to leave him...
They're scared that their good name will be tainted by me and that they wouldn't be able to go out and face their extended family, friends, and society...

Everything that my parents had built through out their life will be gone (this is how they see it)

Within 1 month after I told them, my dad looks 10 years older and my mom got headache 24*7. She looks older and terrible... (FYI, I live in a different city from my parents)
I had to come home to comfort them and promise that I would break up with my BF.

But I couldn't break up... My family thinks he is lucky to have me (with my good upbringing and my family financial status) but they're wrong coz I need him even more...It was so hard for me to end our relationship... I was suicidal...until I gave up and we continue the relationship that was with no goal... that we could see no happy ending...

My BF did this for me coz I just couldn't live without him and I dropped so low I could really do silly things...

And now... though in the surface I seem to be ok with my parents, but truth be told... everytime I spoke to them I can feel my repressed anger to them... anger for their selfishness... but if I pursue my life... would it be my selfishness?

If I break up I might die, if I marry my BF, my parents might get seriously ill ...

I really don't know what to do...
I have so little life expectancy... I don't think about retirement... I don't even think of what my life would be in 5 or 10 years...
Everytime I board a plane, I hope it would crash...
Everytime I go out of town driving, I hope my car would crash and I die...

FYI, I am religious christian, thus I don't plan to kill myself, but can't help hoping to die soon...

if anyone can help me... please....

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I am a Black woman and yes I date outside of my race. I don't see it as a big deal and I don't see my boyfriend as a "White man". I see him simply as My Bobby. Unfortunately, society reminds us of our differences. When men and women give us looks, make comments beneath their breath and stare at us we're reminded of the plain and simple fact that we are indeed an interracial couple.

Informative write-up.
You continually prepare the ideal posts & Dating Outside Of Your Race (Wiley Wandering) is absolutely no exception

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